An idea.

I have this idea of who I'd like to be.  I'm happy to say it's not easy to be this person.  Maybe that's how I choose the people in my life.  My mom told me once, when I was in my upper teens, that I have an uncanny ability to surround myself with amazing people.  The relationships I've made over the years are fairly binary.  I have friends that are more or less friends in the traditional, loose sense of the word.  But really, the people in my life are an intense part of me.  A very definitive representation of the person I'd like to be.  I see these people, that I am so lucky to have bumped into during my meanderings on this earth, and learn about what people are capable of.  The warmth.  The spurred influence can truly cause me to breathe in deeper, it makes my eyes well up, and words fail me.  

I want to dedicate my energies to telling you about these people, one by one, over the next couple of years.  I know I will not be able to fully capture how colorful they are to me in my life...and how deeply necessary, but it's important to me, if only to give them a glimpse of what I see when I think of them, and see them.  

If my mom was right, and I was born with this ability, then it is undoubtedly my most prized.  I get to grow with these people, I get to be there for them.  I get to hope that I can be a fraction as impactful on their lives as they've been on mine.  And I get to tell them what they mean to me.

Reaction

When I heard about Sandy Hook I was at work. My coworker popped her head into my classroom and said that there had been a shooting, at an elementary. I couldn't wrap my head around the possibility that something so dreadful was possible. It was too horrible, it was too scary, it was too much. I left school and went running. I went to the gym so that I could watch the news. Every station was covering the terrible tragedy that had occurred  I ran and ran and my stomach was in knots. I watched the screen in disbelief and kept increasing the speed on my treadmill so that I could vent my frustration without crying. I could barely hold in my tears. I almost cried in the middle of the gym, in the middle of my run. Running was my release from feelings that I couldn't quite comprehend. When things just don't make sense a run gives me the illusion of control, it gives me a chance to breathe, it focuses me, and allows me a chance to gather my emotions.

After hearing about the Boston Marathon being attacked, I again found myself unable to process my feelings. Why would someone terrorize such an innocent act such as running? What could the possible statement be? A marathon is a sacred place. It is supposed to be a safe place. Thousands of people gather with a singular goal, to run their ass off. Once you approach the finish line you are ragged and exhausted. People are cheering you on, screaming for you to succeed even when they don't even know you. A runner approaches the finish line and a feeling of euphoria over comes you. Every inch of your body may hurt but it is hard to resist the urge to sprint through that finish line. You are completely vulnerable and stripped of anything but the pure elation that you achieved your goal. You are a runner, you did it. I am so furious that someone felt it was necessary to destroy that experience. I can not even fathom how terrifying it was to be in Boston today, to be a spectator, a runner, an emergency aide. That sacred place that is the finish line was shattered today and whoever is responsible had no right.  

I should never feel terrified of the possibility that terror could be unleashed at the place I work or while I cross a finish line. The bigger issue is that it feels like violence is popping up in the most unlikely places. Something needs to change. The world needs to come together in an effort to making meaningful steps toward achieving peace. Events such as these can't keep happening. When will it be too much? Tolerance for such acts should have hit it's limit long ago. 

I am 5 minutes from qualifying for Boston. Boston, I will see you in the next year or two. I refuse to be scared crossing the finish line.

I aspire to be like Phoebe Buffay, forever.

I had an anxiety attack recently and decided to go to my aunt's until I calmed down. I basically entered a situation in which the outcome ended up being drastically different than what I had envisioned.  My aunt has always been an incredible voice of reason and pillar of strength when I need some perspective. Somewhere in our conversation she said that one of the things she loves about me is that I always seem to remain hopeful that my experiences will be positive even if they have been negative in the past. I go into a situation expecting the best, sometimes this has blown up in my face, but I keep trying to turn it into something better (I wish I could remember her exact words, she put it a little more eloquently). I would typically call myself naive and a little innocent but ultimately I do expect the best out of any situation and remain optimistic that my experiences will be wonderful. Maybe a little naivety is a good thing? I worry sometimes that I am loosing this though. At what point does being trying to see the glass as half full become too hard?  I hope never. Sometimes so many negative events happen in a row that it starts to really weigh you down and it is difficult to conquer something with a smile on your face. I want to hold on to the innocent, childish delight in life. I want to always trust people to be the best versions of themselves. I want to always remain certain that if I make a mistake I will learn from it and it will not be repeated. I want to always believe that next time will be better and the sun will always eventually over power the clouds. I know that sometimes life can just plain suck but I never want to accept that as the inevitable outcome of life. 

How do I ensure that I will always reach for that silver lining? I want to be shamelessly silly. I want to wear pretty colors and dresses I can twirl in. I want to run to mind blowing music and play air guitar or drums even if I am sprinting down a busy street. I want to dance and sing off key in my car to terrible music on the radio. I want to watch Disney Princess movies and refuse to grow to old for them. You are never to old for Disney. I want to always get excited about dragons, and mermaids, and unicorns. I always want to find delight in the crazy things my dogs do and brag about them all the time. I want to laugh so much out loud watching Ellen at the gym and hopefully never throw myself off the treadmill in the process. I want to get excited like a kid when I get a snow day and jump with glee when the sun is shining. I want to lose myself in amazing books that feed my imagination. I want to always laugh at corny jokes, laugh so hard it scares my deaf dog. I want to enjoy good coffee all the time. I want to run on the beach and chase the waves. I want to love hard, experience a lot, and if I get knocked down I want to get back up and dust myself off. 

It is too easy to lose yourself in negativity and I refuse to ever let it overpower me. 

my current desktop

What the FUCK?!

I'm all...awake, and aware?

I'm well fed right now, I'm feeling energetic and alert!

What is this strange condition?  What magical concoction of sustenance, rest and chemicals brought me to this constantly sought stasis?

This rare gem of sobriety eludes me at any other given moment in my life.  I am a part of the moment right now.  I didn't wake up trying to get here, and I couldn't tell you the differences that brought me to this summit, but damn it feels good.  I'm not even excited, I just take notice to the peace I'm feeling.  Naturally my over-calculating and analytical mind will rape this calm and then proceed to perform it's autopsies in search of the variables that amounted to this.  Our poor fickle minds.  The epic struggle between left and right to wrestle control of perception and scope.  

"Great" Expectations

I have not been sleeping and tension headaches are a weekly occurrence right now. I think I figured out the key to my stress. I am too worried about fulfilling other people's expectations for me that I don't have the energy or time to fulfill my personal expectations for myself. Screw expectations.